


i need just one night alone

by albion



Series: he could become my little problem [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Business scandals, Daddy Issues, Depression, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-03
Updated: 2014-05-05
Packaged: 2018-01-11 00:26:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1166409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/albion/pseuds/albion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[originally posted on tumblr]</p><p>How is he supposed to tell Erwin that he thinks he might love him? There’s <i>seventeen</i> years between them, and Erwin’s young enough that he could find a pretty wife. Start a family.</p><p>What has Levi got now?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The actual final part. Which will be multichapter.
> 
> I'm so sorry for the wait but thanks and blessings to everyone who has read, rec'd and generally sent emotional comments my way. This wasn't even supposed to be deep. It was originally just meant to be a fun, sexy, dirty au.
> 
> Now look what's happened.

He hears the ringing of his cellphone the next morning. He knows exactly who it is; he doesn’t answer it.

Then he hears the buzzing of a text message, groans, and rolls out of bed, fully clothed (the way he had collapsed there last night). He picks up the phone, bracing himself for the impact.

_Don’t ever call yourself my son again. When I come back from work, I want you gone. Go back to your mother. You disgust me._

Predictable. Boring. Expected.

_Goodbye father._

He looks at the text, sighs, and clicks send. Then he deletes his father’s telephone number.

 

.

 

His phone rings a short while later, and he looks at the screen, feeling slightly queasy.

It’s Erwin.

He panics, and the phone nearly slips from his hands. He could always not answer it, but Erwin knows exactly where he lives anyway. There’s no point in trying to hide. Erwin would find him.

Levi accepts the call, and holds the phone up to his ear. He realises abruptly that his hands are shaking, but he’s not sure whether it’s from fear or… what? Something else. Rage? No, it can’t be. He doesn’t have the right to be angry. He has nothing to be angry _about._

Nothing at all.

“Levi, what the hell were you thinking?? What have you _done?_ Oh God…”

Erwin sounds very upset; Levi doesn’t know for sure but he senses he can hear the faintest sound of his voice breaking over the phone line, or maybe it’s his own rattled imagination, but Levi feels a tear slide down his own cheek, then another, and suddenly it all breaks free like a broken dam that’s been holding back the river for far too long. He doesn’t know what to do, he can hear his breath rattling in his windpipe and he can’t breathe, he can’t _breathe—_

“Levi? Are you alright? Levi!”

Levi drops the phone onto his bed and sinks to his knees, crying harder than he’s ever cried in his life.

 

.

 

He’s barely aware of the maids coming in quietly, avoiding the sobbing teenager on the floor. They begin packing up his things, and he knows his father’s ordered his eviction, like he’s nothing more than a lodger he’s grown tired of. Because that’s what he is, at the end of the day.

They finish up in a reasonably short time, and carry his suitcases downstairs. No one asks him if he is okay. No one even looks at him.

Until the door bangs open and Levi flinches instinctively, expecting his father to deliver the blow.

No blow comes, and he opens his eyes painfully to see Erwin, impeccably dressed except for the tell-tale sign of his slightly crooked tie, holding out a fucking packet of Kleenex.

“Levi. I think we need to talk.”

“At your place or mine?” Levi blurts out, and hates the way his voice sounds so wet and choked. “My mother’s house isn’t that big I’m afraid, and I doubt she’ll want me back either—Wait, why did they let you come up here?”

Erwin doesn’t answer the question. “I’m taking you to mine,” is all he says, and picks Levi up in his arms, familiar in a way that makes Levi feel utterly guilty. But there’s nothing sexual about it this time; Erwin’s arms are strong as he opens Levi’s bedroom door with his foot, and walks out. Erwin will never touch Levi in that way again.

The maids all share the same collective look of astonishment as Erwin carries Levi down the grand staircase, but Erwin doesn’t even spare them a glance as he walks past the study and out through the front door. All of Levi’s belongings are in a neat pile on the front step, and Erwin orders the butler to put it all in the trunk of his car. The man obeys, wordless.

Levi barely registers the feeling of Erwin carrying him to the front passenger seat, of doing up his belt and starting the car, letting one hand roam softly over his short black hair. He falls asleep, weary and feeling like he’s lived for ninety lifetimes.

 

.

 

He wakes up on a sofa in one of Erwin’s living rooms. It’s one he recognizes; expensive black upholstery and soft cushions. They’ve fucked on this one before, but the knowledge of that doesn’t make Levi feel good in the way it once did. It makes him feel dirty.

He hears the sound of Erwin walking towards him, and before Levi can scramble away from the sofa, Erwin’s sat down next to him, grabbing his arms in a tight embrace.

“Oh Levi,” Erwin breathes, and he smells like clean laundry and traces of cologne. “What did you _do?”_

“You weren’t in it,” Levi replies, “I made sure of that.”

“I know. And I’m grateful for that. No, your father just thinks you’re a promiscuous young boy intent on bringing shame to him and his reputation. He doesn’t know about us. And that’s a good thing, because we need to end whatever it is we’ve had going on. It was a mistake, and I shouldn’t have let it go on for as long as I did. I took advantage of you. I’m sorry, Levi. I’m truly sorry.”

The words are a dagger to the chest, but Levi knew they were coming.

How is he supposed to tell Erwin that he thinks he might love him? There’s _seventeen_ years between them, and Erwin’s young enough that he could find a pretty wife. Start a family.

What has Levi got now?

“I know,” Levi says, because he can’t say anything else. “I know. I’m sorry too.”

“You agree then?” Erwin asks, and breathes deeply. “I’m glad. I think…” he stops, pulls away from Levi to sit farther back on the couch, sinking into the cream coloured cushions. “I think it would be best if we didn’t see each other again. Your father certainly wouldn’t approve of me spending time with you anymore. And you need to focus on yourself.”

Levi’s mouth is dry. He wants a glass of water; he wants to drink the entire fucking ocean and drown in the salty bitterness.

“—Levi?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. You’re right. We should—we should stop seeing each other. You have your work to focus on. I’m… I’m fucked up. I shouldn’t be near you.”

“Levi,” Erwin says softly, and each time he says his name it somehow sounds different. “I’m not doing this because I don’t want to see you. I enjoy your company very much. I care about you. But I’m doing what’s best for you. I’m acting as the responsible adult I should have been from the start.”

Erwin leans in closer again, and takes Levi’s smaller hands in-between his own.

“And you’re not fucked up. You just need some time to work out who you are and what you want, and what it is you’re working towards.”

Levi feels empty. Utterly empty.

 _I want_ **_you_** , is what his mouth longs to say. _You made me happy_.

“I just want to you be happy.” Erwin says.

And Levi wants to open his mouth and howl.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When it rains, it pours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the relative shortness of this chapter. University has been SUCH A BITCH [excuse my language] regarding my coursework load, so writing/updating any of my fics in a significant way is pretty much a far off dream at the moment. But I had a few free hours today which I spent between this and FFVII so, yep.

Levi refuses Erwin’s offer of a cab back to his mother’s house, and walks back the entire way himself, clutching his suitcase of essentials. Erwin promised he would send over the rest in a few days.

He wants the sky to open up and pour and hurl rain and sleet down on him. Pathetic fallacy, he remembers, from one English Lit class that he’d spent the majority of texting Erwin. When the weather matches the mood of the scene.

The sky however, bright and sunny and a beautiful slap to the face, remains clear that whole afternoon. Levi rounds the corner of his street without even a wet lock of hair or a splash of mud on his jeans and walks up the sidewalk to his house.

His mother’s standing on the doorstep, waiting, with her hair tied up in a messy bun and a sad look on her face. Levi’s never felt so ashamed.

She welcomes him sadly, arms outstretched and envelopes him instantly into a tight embrace, smelling of disinfectant and the faintest hint of pollen from gardening. And when Levi sees the fresh loaf of baked bread and the pot of stew sitting on the table he feels even worse. She always used to make that when he got sick.

He sits and eats glumly, and tries to ignore all the questions about his father. She keeps pressing however, and eventually he gives in.

“But is he… cutting you off for good? He can’t do that, can he?”

“He can do whatever he wants, maman,” Levi replies. He swallows, and feels the lump stick in his throat.

He’s been so selfish; hasn’t even considered the economic results of his fucking temper tantrum. Now his mother will get no money from Him at all, what are they going to do—

“I suppose I could try and find a job,” his mother sighs, and gets up from the table, clutching at her stiff back. Levi’s heart clenches.

“No,” he finds himself saying, and she looks over in surprise, holding out the saucepan. “I won’t allow that. I’ve got enough saved up in my bank account to tide us over. I’ll find a job.”

“Levi honey,” she begins, in that voice he knows all too well, “you need to go to school and study so you can get a decent job when you’re older. Don’t worry about working for now. Your studies should be most important.”

“But we don’t have any fucking money!” he practically shouts, and regrets it instantly from the way his mother cringes instinctively back against the stove top. He is going to destroy that Man.

“Maman,” he begins again. “I’m sorry. But you can’t let me just sit back and do nothing while you suffer. It was my fucking mistake and I need to set it right. I’ve learnt that much.”

He slumps back down in the wooden chair and picks up the soup spoon, before sighing audibly and dropping it back into the bowl. He faintly registers his mother coming up behind him, cradling his head onto her chest between her arms the way she’d always done when he was little.

“The…” she stops, composes herself, and starts again. “The man you were with… did you love him? I’d hate to think of you doing something like that with someone you didn’t care about.”

Levi opens his mouth but her finger on his stops him. “I’m not finished yet,” she says with a sad smile. Levi nods. “I know you weren’t alone in that video, and I know it was a man. I wish… I greatly wish you hadn’t done what you did. You’re too young, my darling. But what’s done is done, and I’m not angry. I’m not angry with you at all. I just hope you didn’t do anything you didn’t want to… weren’t forced into anything.”

Levi looks up at his mother. Her eyes are very blue and a lot like Erwin’s.

“Did you love him?” she asks again, and squeezes him tightly.

“I still do, maman.”

She raises one eyebrow in surprise.

“But he won’t have me. Not anymore.”

Her face crumples.

“Oh my poor boy,” she whispers, and takes him in her arms. “My poor sweet darling boy.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “But I always loved you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh God, the end. Finally. The end.
> 
> If you've been here since the beginning, thank you so very much. And I hope you enjoyed the ride. <3 love to you all who support me and send me nice messages.

He doesn’t make contact with Erwin. He thinks it is better that way. He thinks that’s what Erwin would like too.

Levi re-enlists at school. He figures if he’s messed up his love life forever, at least he doesn’t have to mess up his professional career either. The look on his mother’s face as she proudly readjusts his tie and smoothes down the creases on his blazer make it all worth it.

He’d wasted a lot of time when he was with Erwin, he admits, as he frowns through his classes and struggles with his homework. He had been such an idiot.

But the teachers are relatively welcoming and helpful, even if Levi swears loudly at another C- grade. They can help him, but they can’t do his work for him. He needs to get his act together.

But it’s difficult, when the other boys are animatedly talking about their friends and girlfriends back home. Some of them know about what he did. They give him looks as he walks down the dormitory hallway, snicker when he enters the communal bathroom. Levi ignores them at first, but when another boy, a tall imposing blond figure with a smushed nose and an acne-scarred face calls him a fag to his face, Levi sends him down onto the wet tile with a loud bang and shocked silence all around from the rest of them.

The week long detention was worth it, because after that no one bothers him again. Levi tells himself it’s better that way.

It’s better that way, because it’s easier to always be alone than to constantly keep losing people.

He writes to his mother sometimes. He writes lies mostly, informing her that his grades are all decent, the other boys are friendly, he has lots of friends and he’s joined sports clubs and he’s happy.

The last one is the biggest lie of all. He shares a room with another boy, but he’s never in and even when he is Levi doesn’t press for conversation. He might as well be living alone.

He gets another barely passing grade and goes straight home after class, ignoring another kid asking if he wants to go get burgers for supper. Levi lets himself in, throws the essay onto his desk that he never uses, crawls under his covers and pretends Erwin is there.

He’s pathetic, he tells himself, when he wakes up from an unrefreshing sleep two hours later. His head is pounding and his mouth is dry.

“Hey, you alright?”

Levi pokes his head out from underneath the sheet menacingly. It’s his roommate. Levi can’t even remember his name, even though they’ve shared living space for over three months.

“…It’s Eren,” the boy says, when it becomes obvious that Levi can’t remember. “You alright?” he asks again, and Levi makes a low grunting noise and tells him to fuck off.

“Is it a girl?” Eren asks, after a pause.

“Is _what_ a girl?”

“The thing you’re hung up about.”

“No.”

“Oh. Grades? Mine are pretty bad too.”

“I don’t give a fuck what yours are like. Go away.”

“Well, I live here too so... sorry, no.”

There’s a pause. Levi blows his nose softly into his shirt.

“…I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing is wrong!” Levi snaps.

“Yeah. You’re really fooling me. Come on, what is it? Actually, don’t tell me, because I know. You’re lonely, aren’t you?”

“Fuck off.”

“I don’t know how you expect to not be lonely when you don’t even interact with people. Just some friendly advice.”

“I don’t want you for a friend.”

“Then who are you waiting on?”

Levi doesn’t reply, and after a couple of minutes Eren makes an exasperated noise and leaves. Once the door closes, Levi scrabbles down around his feet for wherever his cellphone went. He finds it, unlocks the screen.

Erwin’s number is still on it.

He opens up the new message box.

He pauses.

He closes the screen, and deletes Erwin’s number.

 

.

 

A year passes. Levi’s grades get marginally better. He hangs out with Eren, and with Eren’s friends, who are annoying but generally tolerable. His mother’s health gets better. His father doesn’t contact him. Neither does Erwin.

Levi feels…

Almost happy.

He leaves school for the last time. His mother is there, waving a handkerchief and wiping her eyes. Levi goes home and makes plans to attend university. He could study anything he wanted. Anything at all.

He walks out at 21 with a business degree, and Erwin isn’t even on his mind. He dates a girl called Petra. It doesn’t work out. He fucks a boy named Erd, who later turns out to prefer Gunther, and Levi graciously backs out.

He’s standing there on the podium with his degree, straining his eyes to find his mother against the glare of the camera flashes from all around him, and then

then

He’d never forget that face.

 

.

 

“How dare you?” Levi hisses, as he grabs the front of Erwin’s suit jacket and manhandles him into the men’s washroom. “How fucking _dare_ you show up here.”

Erwin doesn’t even have the decency to look ashamed. “I’m here to offer my congratulations. It’s been—”

“It’s been _too long_ ,” Levi says back, shoving Erwin against a sink. Erwin grunts in pain and Levi flinches instinctively at the sound of Erwin in pain. His heart hurts, and he doesn’t know why. “You took too long. What, you think I’m just going to roll over and spread my legs for you again like some whore? I’m not your whore.”

“Is that what you think of me?” Erwin asks quietly, and Levi barely restrains himself from punching him in the face.

“You were the one who didn’t want _me!_ So I moved on! Now you’re back here and I… I don’t even know what the fuck to do.”

Erwin frowns. “When did I…? When did I ever give you that impression, Levi? That I didn’t want you?”

“When you fucking told me that we shouldn’t see each other!”

A pause. “I wanted to give you space. You were hurting, and I was the cause of it. I thought if you had space, time to yourself, you could heal.”

“I didn’t _want_ to heal. I wanted _you._ I wanted you to love me.” Levi turns away, because he can’t stop the sudden flow of tears running down his cheeks and he’s cried enough for Erwin Smith. He refuses to keep crying for him.

Then Erwin’s strong arms are around his shoulders and Levi sinks into Erwin’s touch, cursing himself, shaking softly.

“But I always loved you.”

Levi turns around silently and shoves his face into Erwin’s shirt, grateful for the height difference. Like this, he doesn’t have to look up into Erwin’s face because he knows if he does he’s going to start doing something he regrets.

Erwin smells exactly the same.

“I love you. But you were a child, and not mine to keep. So I let you go. But…” He pulls back and runs a hand through Levi’s hair. “I want you more than anything, if you’ll still have me.”

Levi bites down hard on his bottom lip.

“I don’t know if I can do that just yet,” he says, and Erwin nods. “But I’d… I’d like to keep seeing you. As a friend. And then— I... I have a business degree now.”

“I know,” Erwin smiles. “You’re going to be the best there is, Levi. I can see it.”

“How is… how are things with my father?”

“We haven’t been partners for a long time,” Erwin replies, sinking back against the sinks and loosening his tie. “Actually, I haven’t spoken to him in over two years. But I don’t think he’s doing too well, actually. You might like to hear that.”

“I don’t feel anything,” Levi says, and for once it’s true.

“I came here today to offer my congratulations, and also to offer you something.” Erwin crosses his arms. “You’re a smart young man. I’ve always seen that. I’m starting some new ventures, and I could use someone young.”

“Finally admitting your age?” Levi smirks. Erwin inclines his head in agreement and casually unbuttons the top of his shirt. Levi’s eyes flicker down to the hollow at the base of Erwin’s throat, and Erwin notices. Levi swallows slowly.

“You can’t pull that shit on me, Erwin. That’s not fair.”

“I’m not doing anything,” Erwin says in mock innocence, eyes running up and down Levi in his own tux. Levi gives Erwin the filthiest look he can manage with a slightly blocked nose and red rimmed eyes, and is pleased to find Erwin’s jaw go slightly slack.

“You gross old man,” Levi scowls, and Erwin laughs. He holds out his hand for Levi to take.

“Levi. Will you make a deal with me?”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Into Eternity](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6050566) by [Siggy1998](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siggy1998/pseuds/Siggy1998)




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